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7月19日 Israel JenkinsAs seen on LUE and Fark. Slight edits, etc.
You'll probably need to be familiar with:
Israel/Lebanon conflict - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006_Israel-Lebanon_conflict
Leeroy Jenkins - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RklC3m73RP0&search=leeroy%20jenkins
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George W. Bush: OK guys, the Middle East has given us a lot of trouble in the past, uh does anybody need anything off Iran or can we bypass them? Dick Cheney: Uhh, I think Israel needs something from this guy. Bush: Oh, does he need the Holy Land? Doesn't - isn't he a country now? Cheney: Yeah, but that will help him look better, he'll have more land. Bush: [sighs] Christ. OK, uhh well what we'll do, I'll run in first, uh gather up all the insurgents, we can kinda just, ya know drive them all out with our guns. Um, I will use Vague Threats, to kinda scatter'em, so we don't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. Uhh, when my guys are done, uhh, I'll need England to come in and send his guys too, uh so we can keep them scattered and not have to fight too many. Um, when his is done, Poland of course will need to run in and do the same thing. Uhh, we're gonna need Propaganda for our Marines, uhh so they can, uhh, win, uh so we can of course get them down fast, cause we're bringing all these guys, I mean, we'll be in trouble if we don't take them down quick. Uhh I think this is a pretty good plan, we should be able to pull it off this time. Uhh, what do you think Donald? Can you give me a number crunch real quick? Donald Rumsfeld: Uhhh.. yeah gimme a sec... I'm coming up with thirty-two point three three, repeating of course, percentage, of survival. Bush: That's a lot better than we usually do, uhh, alright, you think we're ready guys? Israel: All right chums, I'm back! Let's do this! LEEROOOOOOOY JEEENKIIIIIINSSS!!! [runs into Lebanon] -Short pause- Bush: [incredulous] ... Oh my God he just ran in. Cheney: Save them! Bush: Oh jeez, stick to the plan. Rumsfeld: Oh jeez, let's go, let's go! Democrats: [sarcastic] Stick to the plan chums! Cheney: Stick to the plan! Bush: Oh jeez, oh ****... Cheney: Gimme propaganda, hurry up. Rumsfeld: Threatening! Karl Rove: They're saying I can't spin! I can't spin, am I slipping, guys? I can't spin! Bush: What the—what the hell? Rove: I can't spin this! Cheney: Oh my God... Rumsfeld: The soldiers just keep dying! More dying!! Bush: I don't think you can spin with this **** going on! Cheney: Oh my God! Israel: We got em, we got em! Ehud Olmert: I got it! I got it! [muffled shouts] Poland: Poland's down. Poland's down. Rumsfeld: Oh my God.. Bush: Damnit Israel! Cheney: Dammit... Hezbollah: Israel you moron! [various put-downs of Israel amongst the Middle East] England: I'm on it. Germany: It's on Germany. Rumsfeld: This is ridiculous. England: I'm down, England down. Goddamnit. Germany: Germany is down. Bush: This is the millionth time we've failed at this, God! Cheney: Rove, spin us! Rove, spin us! Rumsfeld: Why do you do this **** Israel? Rove: I'm trying! Israel [crying]: It's not my fault! Cheney: Who's reporting on this? Bush: We do have the media here, don't we? [everyone dies] Think I need the media? Rove: Yeah but I don't think we know a sympathetic reporter. Bush [noticing everybody is dead]: ... Oh God... Everybody: Oh for - [sighs] Great job! Cheney: Israel, you are just stupid as hell. Hezbollah: Idiot. Israel: ... 'Least I ain't got elections. 5月29日 Two in one day? Shenanigans!The purpose of surveys is to entice people who don't update their journals/blogs/whatever they're called nowadays to update. Today I needed no enticement, but that doesn't bar me from responding.
1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
Why do I have a copy of "On The Banks Of Plum Creek" on my desk? First of all, I haven't read the Laura Ingalls Wilder books in years, and even then I only read the first one. Looks like I've got some cleaning to do, but anyway:
"All around the door the morning-glory flowers".
2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. Air. But to be fair, to the left of my arm is my keyboard, currently housing some clothes, and to the right is my printer, which hasn't worked in years. In front of my arm is the bookshelf but that's too far away. 3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? I don't remember. Probably "whatever was on" since yesterday was Sunday. I don't watch much TV. 4.Without looking, guess what time it is? 1:32 5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 2:07. My, how time flies. 6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Birds are chirping outside. I used to know which birds had which chirps but now I only recognize chirps that sound familiar. The clock is ticking, since I finally got it to work. And really, that's about it. It's a remarkably silent afternoon. 7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? I last stepped outside about half an hour ago, since I just got home from the beach. 8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? Gmail.
9. What are you wearing? Jeans and my Sarah Brightman hooded shirt. I have been defeated and I refuse to let any more sun batter me. It's already done its job quite well enough, thank you. 10. Did you dream last night? Yes, I did. I actually remembered what I dreamed, although by now I can't remember anything. 11. When did you last laugh? Why do people remember these things? I have no idea. I'm sure it wasn't long ago but I'm not quite desperate enough to cling to the last time I laughed as if it's some kind of guidepost. 12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? The clock, the light switch. That's about all that's *directly* on the walls. Plenty of things near the walls. 13. Seen anything weird lately? My last entry does a nice job of explaining that. 14. What do you think of this quiz? At least it's spelled correctly. I don't know if it started out this way or if somebody took the time to proofread it somewhere down the line.
15. What is the last film you saw? Last night TBS was showing Sister Act, and there was nothing else on, and I was bored to death, the beach does that to you. So I watched a few minutes of that. 16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy? I don't know. 17. Tell me something about you that I dunno. I'm a licensed scuba diver. 18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Since we're already dealing in Things That Won't Happen, I'd kill all selfishness, inequality, and injustice. Which falls under a blanket of "Bad Things About People", so it's technically one thing. Since this won't happen, I can make up my own rules. 19. Do you like to dance? No. I'd like it if I could but I can't so I don't. You could probably take that sentence and make a nice 4/4 dance beat out of it. In fact, I'm doing it right now. Has a certain rhythm to it. 20. George Bush What about him? 21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Lucea 22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? I don't know. 23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Sure. 24.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? At that point, would I really need to hear anything? 25. 4 people who must also do this meme in their journal. I don't give those kinds of orders. Besides, I don't know 4 people who read this journal anyway, and those who do have already done it. Things that have no place on carsThe automobile has been around for almost 100 years. With the general public's distaste for keeping things unadorned for a century, innovations have happened, and with them have come Things That Have No Place On Cars. Observe.
The official list of Things That Have No Place On Cars:
- Election stickers for previous presidential elections. Looking at cars, you'd think time travel had been invented, usher in the granddaddy paradox - but no! People just proudly display their Bush/Cheney '04 or Kerry/Edwards '04 stickers. No matter which side these are for, they both have a common purpose: to gloat that THEY weren't one of the idiots who voted for so-and-so. The rest of the world, meanwhile, gloats that they aren't one of the idiots who feel the need to showboat their political preferences on the back of their car. I suppose it does have one good aspect. In the hyperpartisan world of today, it's nice to know that both sides can come together for a common purpose of air-puffed superiority.
- Any stickers that parade a child's accomplishments. The premise is not bad in itself, but these belong to Mama Rose types - or to those not versed in Broadway parlese, stage moms. For lack of a better term. They have no outlet now but to live vicariously through their precious little children and everything's coming up roses and daffodils for me and for you! I'm sorry to say that it will never be Rose's turn, now let it go.
- Bumper stickers with crude toilet humor. In an ideal world, these stickers would lose their humor at age 15, just when children get their learner's permits. A well-crafted system indeed. But the world has established that it is light years from ideal, and so they persist.
- Any kind of gimmicky paint. This is the equivalent of getting a tattoo. You may like it now, but in a few years you're going to be stuck with it while everyone laughs at you. (Do you seriously think dealers will give you full price? Paint thinner's damaging, so don't say paint thinner.) (Not that I have experience with trying to sell a painted car. If dealers are giving them full price, I will now go and weep while my faith in humanity hits an all-time low.)
- Song lyrics of any kind displayed with decals. Extra points deducted if they're incorrect lyrics. The car behind me on the interstate had extra points deducted. 5月2日 Those darn kidsOn the one hand, each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it. (Credit where credit is due: it's a George Orwell quote.)
On the other hand, this is disturbing and very upsetting. 4月14日 Dialect is interesting.
It's just so perfectly color coordinated. And accurate, at least for North Carolina which is evenly split between "soda" and "Coke".
I say Diet Coke because I don't drink Coke. 4月8日 Laziness defeatedIt's already eighty degrees. It's April. It is not supposed to be eighty degrees in April.
Things've been all right. I live my life at the post office now, which is preferable to in one room, but only barely.
I was bored the other day so I tapped out a melody on the keyboard, wrote some words around it, and posted the result on Soundclick. This was complete boredom fodder.
It reached #32 on the charts for its genre and #309 for its subgenre. (Out of 3,659 and 57,699 songs respectively.)
And I'm thinking that's pretty good for something I came up with in about 10 minutes. Took me about 2 hours to record it, though, because I can't play the keyboard technically and I had to get the vocals perfect. Perfect-ish. I'm better at playing, though, than I was about six months ago, especially considering I've been teaching myself. I know most of the basic theory, but I just don't have the agility yet to do much other than six notes. But anyway. Keyboard part, vocal part, reverb, done in my trial of GoldWave.
It wasn't even a full accompaniment! It was just a string of six or seven notes played while I wasn't singing. #32. Wow.
...It's #41 right now. It's on the first page of the charts. Did I mention this was a joke that I never expected anyone to hear? Yeesh. I need to start writing more and perhaps hiring someone who actually plays. My sister has an acoustic guitar but I'm even worse at it than I am at the keyboard. At least with the keyboard things are laid out in a linear fashion and it's easy to understand what to do to produce which note. I have a vague idea of how to play the guitar but I don't see how one does it and micromanages every turn of the handles which have a name I don't know and every specific string.
I should probably register that MIDI maker so I can have actual "instruments". It's easy to track MIDI once you learn how. Certainly easier than learning an instrument.
The other part of this site is a store. So basically if I wanted to I could sell the song and make a couple cents per download a la iTunes. But I doubt anyone will pay for it.
...But then... #41. Wow. I'm still slightly stunned at this. And talkative since it's 1:33 AM and I won't sleep for awhile. (It just won't happen.)
There are pretty active boards. Collaborations, etc. Maybe once I get more tools (MIDI maker, better microphone (I have it, I just need to plug it in), Goldwave registration, etc.) I can start some. 4月4日 I'm too lazy to take down my April Fool's joke.But it was for April Fool's Day. Never trust anything you see on the Internet on April 1st. Since most places do it, I figured I would as well. |
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